halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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