i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
