So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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