Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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