And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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