Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
