The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
