im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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