so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
