It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
