hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
