I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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