So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
