On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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