we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
