Cold hands, warm shart.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
did i just pee glitter
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
