Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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