I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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