Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
