im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
