can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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