And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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