the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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