And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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