she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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