The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
please come you make the beer taste better
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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