I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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