Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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