Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
