Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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