I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
