the condom got lost in my hair
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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