god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
