FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
