Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got inside last night via doggy door
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
