Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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