I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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