Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
