I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
