I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
