I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
