I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
