I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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