just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
