I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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