My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
