the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
