took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
