apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
