My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
