I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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