I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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