I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
