I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
