I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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