I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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