hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's blow job season.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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