the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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