I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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