Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
