SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
